Monday, March 21, 2005

He's as shallow as he is devout.
And he wants to enlarge your vision.

So this blogging project is getting fuck-all out of control. I've been on Spring Break for the past ten days, hovering indecisively between two book projects — long story, don't bother with the details — so I've used my time (and this space) to do a little non-academic writing while I wait for an editor to give me the thumbs-up or thumbs-down on my semi-revised dissertation. As always with matters technical, I'm several years behind the curve in discovering the blogosphere, but now I'm hooked. I read Michael Bérubé with great devotion now, and I'm a big fan of Laywers, Guns and Money, and so on and so forth — you see the blogroll to your right, you're not idiots. In any case, I also just like to poke around and see the weird shit that other people toss into the vortex. Like my Uncle Fred, who pokes through baseball encyclopedias to find the guy who struck out in his one major league at bat, I seem to be fascinated today with people who write once or twice and then evaporate.

I was in sort of a sacreligious phase last week, posting unintentionally crude sculptures of Jesus and mocking the student moral minority at my university. I have nothing specific against religious faith; as I see it, religion is a means of organizing social behavior, and as an institution I grant it no more or less validity than, say, graduate school, which also produces states of grace and wisdom, to say nothing of its soul-distorting pathologies and interpretive pettiness. And like any graduate school, American Christianity seems to encourage bad writing. So as I was pissing away my last night of Spring Break, I came across a blog so unendingly, pricelessly wretched that I can't even bear to give you all the URL. I just can't. You'll just have to trust that I'm not making this up. I can only tell you that his name was Chris. Imagine the dimmest, most ungrammatical cascade of schlocky, middle-class, self-help, corporate Jesus-chatter you've ever encountered, then add a few stray comments from someone named Lindsey — who appears to have been the only person ever to read this spool of electronic toilet paper — and you maybe get a slight creak of insight into the sort of supplicating, God-felching yoga poses this poor fool assumed with each post. From top to bottom, this fellow's contribution to the enlightenment of our world was so feeble that even he seems to have recognized that three or four posts were too many. This beatnik haze of non-sequiturs could only last so long.

So without further meddling, I give you the comic stylings of "Chris":

Glory to God the most high. We have got to start enlarging our vision. I started reading that Joel Osteen book tonight and I am fired up. So here we go. Do you find yourself seeing big houses nice cars, having more money, a better job, a good husband or wife. Well I am hear to tell you stop thinking it will never happen, don't be satisfied with what your parents had or what you have now. Strive for more. God wants to raise us up. He wants us to go for more. He wants us to live happy joy filled blessed lives in him. Praise God he wants you to stop that negative thinking and start believing in yourself. Lift your head up high you are a child of God. He wants us to prosper and have the very best. I am taking a stand tonight I want more from my life, I want all that God has to offer me. I am sinking my teeth in and hanging on for the ride. Are you with me. Lets see what Jesus is gonna do with us. I see my self being that supervisor, I see my self having those big family Christmas parties in my big house with my loving wonderful wife and family. I see myself doing more for Jesus. I am going on, being premoted. Are you with me do you want all God has to offer. Start speaking it start believing it. Praise God I am ready to be promoted. Lord thank you for your promotions.

Go ahead. Just try to pick your favorite sentence there. I fucking dare you. "Praise God I am ready to be promoted." Are you kidding me? "I am sinking my teeth in and hanging on for the ride?" Go ahead — read it out loud. You'll shit yourself.