Monday, March 28, 2005

Tax Loopholes, Bad Ass Fighting Techniques, and Other Cool Shit You Can Buy on

A few weeks back, I posted a link to a website — which I discovered at David Horowitz' vanity publication, Front Page Magazine — encouraging us all to speculate on the future value of Iraqi dinars. The advertisement was repellant for many reasons, not the least of which could be found in its suggestion that by wagering on Iraqi currency, Americans might somehow make a bold declaration on behalf of free markets and self-government for "brown-skinned people." But since this war seems to demand little more than meaningless gestures from average American schlubbos, and since the profits from the conquest of Babylon appear mostly to be flowing in the direction of Americans anyway, at the bottom of it all there was nothing really incongruous about the ad, my own fulminations notwithstanding. In its pious appeal to the bogus altruism of a Red State readership, in its promise of spectacular (and virtuously-acquired) fortunes, and in its gentle poke at the soft, economically insecure underbelly of its audience, was indeed the appropriate expression of our current political unconscious. In the BushCo dreamworld, everything is a wager, and financial risk is the only thing confiscated from the hands of the rich and scattered like moldy cheese and biscuits to the unfortunate. Go ahead: Bet on Iraq. Halliburton will get paid anyway. You'll be underwriting their taxpayer-subsidized, no-bid, cost-plus profiteering for years to come, so why not recover your losses by gambling callously on the very nation those companies are getting paid not to rebuild?

In any event, this whole meditation got me to thinking about the other kinds of advertisements one finds on right wing media sites — and what we might learn about the Right by exploring them. I went to, which is only a chromosome or two more advanced than the prehensile Talon News, and began poking through the sidebar ads to see how I might improve my life in some incremental, righteous, patriotic way. So many options! To wit: "Tax Loopholes for the Rich," a course from "attorney and successful businessman Drew Miles," offered me a lusty bit of fist-shaking, anti-Tax Man populism from the state-income-tax-free zone of Florida. Miles promises to show me all kinds of tricks, including:
How the Super Rich Pay single digit taxes – reportedly as low as 4% - 5% while you are getting creamed.  Between Federal, State and Social Security taxes, the average American taxpayer pays about 50% in taxes.  Learn to recoup those losses and put that money back in your pocket - where it belongs.
Rather than drawing the obvious conclusion here — namely, that if the fabulously wealthy are only paying 4-5% in taxes, we should sever their heads and confiscate their estates — Drew Miles recommends instead that we emulate (and not eat) the rich. And why not? Who wants to identify with poor? And who wants to go to the trouble of organizing them for social change, or mobilizing public resources on behalf of the common good? Nah, fuck everyone! If we can't actually be rich, we can at least mimic their venality. You heard Karl Rove — starve the beast, man! Stop funding activist judges and keep your tax dollars where they belong — invested in Iraqi dinars!

This made a good bit of sense, but I wondered about the effects of Mr. Miles' 60-minute seminar if its lessons were writ large upon the body politic. How would we pay for all the life-sustaining medical treatments the Right will force us to accept, as feeding tubes and hamster-powered electric generators infinitely postpone our day of reckoning with a vengeful, angry God? What kind of a future could I anticipate when the federal Treasury collapses? Who would run the nuclear submarines? Not to worry. Once the public coffers have been depleted and the inevitable beer and bread riots have spilled forth into the streets, will continue to provide the important information and consumer guidance I'll need to survive in an atomized society red in tooth and claw. From TRS Direct, for example, I can purchase an "Amazing 'Real World' Fighting System Compiled By 19 of the Most Dangerous Men on the Planet." Check this out! I can learn "Stealth Domination," "8 Steps to Winning," "Realworld Combat," "Hardcore StreetFighting," "Explosive Cooler Tactics" (WTF?) and "VIPER Street Combat." Apparently,
There is a nasty fighter hiding inside you… and we know how to wake him up and make him a part of you… fast and without hassle.
Why is this system so effective? Well step off, dumbass, here's why:
[American soldiers] use it because:
  • It works like crazy -- to dominate multiple attackers, control ANY attacker instantly, and open up "permanent" elimination of the threat whenever you choose…
  • It is so simple to learn and master, that soldiers can just watch the training in the afternoon… and USE it to save their lives that evening. There are only a FEW core moves, and they are all natural, instinctive, and based on the "gross motor skills" of your reflexes. (That means there are absolutely ZERO "fancy" moves, or anything you must practice at to get good. You learn these few easy moves, and BAM! You are instantly PURE BAD ASS.)

    Plus… once you use this new system in combat, there is NO DEFENSE another man can use, hand-to-hand, to counter you. It's that effective.
  • Holy crap! I've got a "nasty little fighter inside me?" And I've always wondered how — short of getting a Ph.D. in American Studies — I could become instantly pure bad ass. I've also always wondered how I might do this:

    No, that's not Jeff Gannon — that's Matt Furey "doing the side splits with ease." In Matt's new "Politically Incorrect Fighting and Fitness Instruction" course, I'll learn how to defend myself once the One World Armies assume control over our government and tattoo bar codes on our necks. Who needs an army when you can be a one-man missile of political incorrectness? As Matt himself explains, "I could do the splits, hold a gymnastic bridge with one arm, lie on my stomach, grab my ankles and jump off the floor only using my stomach muscles, and so on."

    Did he just say that? My goodness! This is getting interesting! It's like QVC for jingoistic, self-hating leather boys! Brilliant! Visit NewsMax today — buy gold, buy dinars, burn off your fingertips and change your identity, learn strangely compelling, represso-erotic hand-fighting techniques!