Thursday, March 24, 2005

Weird-Ass Blog of the Day

The other day I mused about a blogger named Chris, whose wanted to "enlarge your vision" by offering a kick-ass blog sermon. I sincerely hope he succeeded in his wish to enlarge your vision. My vision, I must say, has grown especially large. In any case, it appears that I erred in my thinking that Chris was one of those bloggers who disappear quickly from the blogosphere, as if raptured by Angels. (The word "rapture," I recently learned, is derived from a Greek phrase that means "The Great Snatch." I'm not kidding.) In any event, Chris is more prolific than I thought, so I give you the URL now in hopes that you'll follow in his journey toward prosperity and promotions. Do yourself a favor and find the poetry he posts now and again. It will slay you.

With my error in mind, I'm now interested in blogs that plod along triumphantly, with no discernible message or readership. Today's ode to derangement comes from a guy named Paul in New Jersey who writes a blog called "30 Second Magazine," which appears actually to be written in 30 second increments, most of which are incoherently preoccupied with trade or the deficit. To wit:
Two-word seminar: dump bonds.
Special note to foreign investors: dump Venezuelan bonds - We have lousy relations with Chavez who threatens to boycott USA trade (i.e. oil). Methinks he's on the wrong side of history and could use a compass... 

If only I'd read this before spouting off the other day about Chávez and the Monroe Doctrine. Ah, well.

The rest of his postings appear to be lists of his favorite people in particular states, augmented by unspeakable acts of generosity. To wit:
Merry Christmas -- these are the names of my favoite people in Colorado: Joanna, Susanna, Brian, Benjamin, Lydia and Julia. These are the names of my favorite people in Nebraska: Lanny and Martha Rose. Tidings of Comfort & Joy are hereby bestowed on EVERYONE!

So Paul bestows tidings of comfort and job on your asses — every last one of you — and you don't have the common decency to bestow them back? He says explicitly that EVERYONE gets comfort and/or joy, not just from anyone, but from him. (Note the formality of it all. These things are bestowed "hereby" — in other words, whatever you thought was comfort and joy before now, just fucking forget it. You are hereby on notice that your joy and your comfort — in whatever order you prefer — are insignificant compared to what has bereby been bestowed by Paul.

I've perused this fellow's archive and have yet to come across a post with comments. This kind of persistant brilliance and generous bestowing should not go un-rebestowed. Drop in and give the man some love OK?