Taste the Lord's Sweet Apocalyptic Kiss, You Heathen Dogs!

It's spring cleaning time at America's finest lunatic asylumns, and it appears that a swarm of Biblical prophecy writers has been loosed upon us like a plague of toads. With NBC suckling from the same fertile teat that brought us pop-prophecy writers Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins — they of Left Behind fame — the End Times have never sounded so good or seemed so near at hand. And now that Popeapalooza 2K5 has drawn to a successful conclusion, the zealots have set themselves to work, coming to terms with what all this heralds for the rise of Antichrist, the rebirth and destruction of the Roman empire, and the eventual return of Jeebus to set things right at long, long last.

In the past week two of my favorite internet news sources, World Net Daily and NewsMax, have each run articles reminding us that Christian prophecy has long foretold the emergence of an astonishingly-popular Pope who will unwittingly lead believers astray. Hal Lindsey, one of America's most important prophecy writers, explained in WND that

Modern communication technology has helped make the pope's death an unparalleled event. The entire world has literally come together to praise this one man. I find that many sense that there will be some important and climactic consequences to follow the death of this pope.

Reviving the work of a 12th century Irish bishop, Lindsey and others have noted that St. Malachy predicted that 112 popes would lead the Catholic Church before the Vatican fell beneath its promised destruction. In his writings, Malachy evidently offered "prophetically descriptive details" about each of the popes, including astounding details about recent Holy Fathers:

Pope No. 108: Paul VI (1968-78). The prophecy for the 108th pope was, "Flos Florum", which means "Flower of Flowers." Paul VI's coat of arms contained three fleurs-de-lis (Isis blossoms).

Pope No. 109: John Paul I (1978). The prophecy for 109th pope was "De Medietate Lunae," which means "the Half Moon." John Paul I was born in the diocese of Belluno (beautiful moon) and was baptized Albino Luciani (white light). He became pope when there was a half moon (Aug. 26, 1978). He died the next month right after an eclipse of the moon.

Pope No. 110: John Paul II (1978-2005). The prophecy for the 110th pope was "De Labore Solis," which means "from the labor of the sun." John Paul II was born during an eclipse of the sun on May 8, 1920. As the sun rises out of the East, so he came to the Vatican from the east. Wherever on the earth the sun shines, he visited.

Now, if St. Malachy is accurate, there will be only two more popes before the end of this world, as we know it and the Second Coming of Christ. I do know that the whole prophetic scenario of signs that Jesus Christ and the prophets predicted would come together just before His return are now in view. So what St. Malachy predicted is certainly occurring in the right time frame. Pope John Paul II was aware of these prophecies and at least once referred to them with concern.

According to St. Malachy, there will only be two more popes.

Then, at least as I understand it, we're fucked. The Antichrist will rise from a reconstituted Roman Empire, rule and then betray Israel, welcome a Russian-Islamic invasion of the Holy Land, and then face ultimate defeat at the battle of Armageddon. Mark Hitchcock, pimp daddy for the "Left Behind Prophecy Club" (a subscription-only website devoted to spreading the literary gospel of LaHaye and Jenkins), explained last week that the outpouring of affection of Pope John Paul II has come perilously close to "deification." Many people, he mused, "are acting like the whole world has stopped since he died. Like we have no one left to provide any leadership." To Hitchcock, this is all to be expected:

In the end times the Bible says that a man will come on the world scene who will rise quickly to world dominance on a platform of peace, security, and safety. That person of course is the Antichrist. The whole world will follow after him. And what we see happening this past week is a mild foreshadow of what's coming. It's paving the way for this kind of response.

Lindsey agrees:

The most important part of St. Malachy's prophecies has to do with the events he foresees happening during the papacy of "Peter the Roman." He foresees great tribulations during his reign, ending with the destruction of the church and Rome. This is will be done by a dreadful judge who will then judge the world. . . .

John Paul II was a great and good man. But the coming popes will seize upon the popularity he created with the world. With the help of the media, it is easy to foresee how "Peter the Roman" will be able to mesmerize the world to follow his counterfeit of Christ.

This is excellent. I'm relieved to know that evangelical protestants haven't completely abandoned their view of the Catholic Church as midwife to Antichrist, just like the Catholic Church — papal statements of contrition notwithstanding — still embraces a great many fools who steadfastly hold the Jews responsible for killing Jesus. If we're going to greet the End Times with the requisite viciousness, we need to move beyond the false ecumenicalism promoted by cable news and grind our petty inter-religious hatreds into a majestic shiv of righteousness. Let the stabbing and gnashing of teeth begin!