Saturday, May 28, 2005

"The Tug of Love"

Not that James Dobson or Fred Phelps needed any more ammunition, but now comes this definitive proof of homosexuality's abomination in the eyes of God from the Weekly World News:

A BOMBSHELL discovery in an ancient cave in the Middle East may result in a rewriting of the entire first chapter of the Bible, say experts.

Following a map drawn in a Dead Sea-like scroll found weeks before, archaeologists discovered an old tomb in a cave on a hillside containing the remains of the first two humans created by God -- and DNA tests reveal they were both MEN!

And in another explosive revelation, the ancient scroll reveals that Eve did NOT give Adam the apple and she is not to blame for their being expelled from the Garden of Eden.


"According to the scroll containing the map that led us to the bodies, God was exhausted by the sixth day after creating the earth and all the creatures on it," says Von Ibson, head of antiquities at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark.

"He apparently lost his focus after creating Adam, so when he decided to give him a companion, he accidentally created another man, Ed, from Adam's rib.

"When he realized that there was no mate for Adam to procreate with to create more humans to populate the earth, God created Eve -- but the scroll does not say from what."

This caused the first love triangle and a horrible mess, says Von Ibson. "Since Ed was made from Adam's rib and was around before Eve, Adam took a tremendous shine to him.

"He actually preferred Ed to Eve and refused to cozy up to her." The tug of love between Ed and Eve continued with Adam as the prize. Both began wooing him with gifts.

"That's when Satan jumped in. He wanted to cause trouble, so in the guise of the serpent, he convinced Ed to bring Adam the forbidden apple. Adam bit and loved it and loved Ed even more."

When God saw that Adam preferred Ed and was refusing to pair off with Eve, he became furious, says Von Ibson.

"The ancient Hebrews called the Lord the Merciless Thunderer for good reason. In his fury at the gay couple, God drove Adam, Ed and Eve from Eden with a barrage of terrifying lightning bolts and horrific explosions of thunder," says Von Ibson.

Later, realizing that the Lord was angry at him and his gay lover, Adam tried to get together with Eve, according to the scroll.

"They mated and produced children," says Von Ibson, "but Adam still preferred Ed and would sneak off to see him."


"We don't know how they died, but apparently it was together and that's how they were buried. We still don't know what happened to the third wheel in the triangle, Eve."

"Why later Biblical scrolls retell the story as Adam and Eve is unknown. Apparently, ancient peoples wanted to downplay the importance of gays -- especially since they caused man to be banished from Eden."

Von Ibson calls the discovery "the most revolutionary find in Biblical history. . . ."
You just can't make this shit up. Oh, wait -- never mind.