Tool Time

On Thursday, the White House added a little mayo and mustard to the Dagwood Bumstead-sized shit sandwich they've been trying to sell since Monday:

Shorter Ken Mehlman: The President knows Harriet Miers real good, and he knows she believes in them there "judicial restraints" [sic]. She helped out in the pickin' of Janice Rogers Brown and "Priscilla Owens" [sic] and Bill Pryor, and she's kept a diary of all the restraintful things those judges believe in, so we know she's got some good ideas all ready to be used. You just can't doubt the President on this one; it's like saying "you know, the president has the right position on the war or terror but we don't know if Donald Rumsfeld does" [sic]. And everyone knows Rumsfelt isn't a fuck-up. Besides, we need a judge who will uphold the values of Bizarro World, in which "judicial restraints" means that judges restrain themselves -- see how this works? -- from thinking they can prevent us here in the executive branch from doing whatever we want in the war on terror. After all, "judicial restraint" doesn't mean that we'll be restrained. Keep that in mind. We desperately need a tool on the court, not someone who will "grow in the office."

Shorter Chuck Colson: I agree. I had lunch once with Harriet Miers, and I learned that "tool" is just a different word for "humble."

Shorter James Dobson: Pardon me for a moment while I string together a bunch of non sequitur clichés about Abraham Lincoln, the corrputing influences of power, and a few other things. Now I'd like to point out that putting Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court will be like putting George W. Bush himself on the Supreme Court. And we all know that's what the Baby Jesus wants.

Shorter Sarah Taylor: Agreed. The laws of Presidential Infallibility apply here. Harriet Miers=George W. Bush. And unlike other Supreme Court justices, Miers will issue opinions that reflect not only the Constitution, but her Christian beliefs as well. And I think we all know what that means.

Shorter Jay Seculo: With all due respect, I don't give a fuck about the long term consequences here. I just want someone on the Court who will uphold the ban on partial-birth abortion.

Shorter Leonard Leo: And persecute gay people. Founding fathers, yadda yadda yadda.

Shorter Richard Land: Let's not forget that she's a Texan. And when people from Texas think about stuff and change their views over time . . . well, let's just say we have ways of "correcting" those problems.

Shorter Greek Chorus: Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!